It is not a question for you. It’s for me, and for those who wonder what their life for.
I came to the point where I requestion all the things I’ve been through in my life. It is like deconstructing what I have built so far. I know it’s gone too far, but when I looked back, it is what has leading me to find everything I have been looking for. Although, I know my searching has not come to an end. “You cannot connect the dots looking forward, you can only connect them looking backward, “ Steve Jobs said. This clause does work!
I used to be asked, “What do you want to be? What do you want to have?” Then I gave a simple answer, “I want to be an astronaut,” I said it once when I was about eight. I imagined how life could be so wonderful if you could fly into the space. Looking at place where you live at from the sky, I wondered if I could shoot the stars. Ah, that is my childhood life.
When I was 7, I started drawing, just so in love with drawing. A friend gave a compliment that I might have been our class’ best drawer, and I perhaps could be a great artist. And I was 9 when I was in love with writing, I wrote a lot. I imagined a story then I wrote it down on my book manually. It’s been so incredible for me to write, just write, I was literally into it.
When I was about 12, my dream became a little bit more, let’s say, concrete. Why do I say so? I found what for I might do that. At that time, I wanted to be a journalist, even desperately. I thought becoming a journalist would be through lots of journey. I could’ve met many people. And to me, that was pretty much interesting. What is becoming a journalist for? I could’ve had a wonderfully adventurous life by being a journalist.
Everything just got blurred when I was about to enter college life. It was like a blurred line between me becoming a journalist and the reality that I could’ve been through. Funny!
I began to ask myself, “what do I really want to be? Is that it?”
When I drew, I felt happiness get into me. When I wrote, it was freedom simply free me. And my journalist dream, it led me. All I can tell you, I got just so happy when I did all those things I loved. But, I came questioning myself again, is that all? Then what?
All of that made me rethink. I am thinking of that happiness I got when I thought of all the things I have done. To me, the other days when I made people happy, smile and laugh is just delighting moment ever. And I’d really like to do that. But, it was all blurred, even now, I don’t know what to write. I happened to wonder again. Is that it? Happiness. When I asked people was all that I’ve been doing all good things to me and to others? The answer would be surely yes. Well, I know, I know. But, it was not enough for me. It was like I felt thirty, I found water, but it wasn’t enough to relieve my thirsty. Never be. The feeling is just the same, I found something good, but it’s not good enough to fill the hunger of “that indescribable hunger.” If it is happiness that I’ve been looking for, I encountered it so many times. But, all is never enough.
If I stuck the dream of being an astronaut in my mind, let’s say, I’ve made that coming true, yes it is called success, I may felt happy about that, but then what? Is that it? Or is that all?
Fortunately, all those thoughts I have in mind have been deconstructed, and I come to the thought of being let all go. Having everything in life, stuff you want, becoming someone you want to be, making people happy, making dreams come true, buying cars or luxurious jewelry, those may make you feel happy. But, is that all you want? Does it satisfy you?
To me, all those things are all I want, maybe the things I have been wanting. They may create enough happiness to live a quite happy life. But that is not quite enough to make me alive. Realizing it makes me relieve, all I have been pursuing in life is only peace. What is peace for? To get my life way more alive and that’s it! I have no more questions. Let peace into me and free……… got nothing to question about.
May peace be upon you, people…